It’s my party and I’ll rant if I want to…
Because the universe has a twisted sense of humor, I’m going to take this opportunity to let off a little steam. I rarely rant for the sake of ranting, but everyone deserves to be a little self-indulgent every once in a while. So… here’s a little list of do’s and don’ts that I have taken away from my very bizarre morning:
Guys:
- If you’re not that into a girl, or if you simply want to hook up, don’t make her dinner, don’t hold her hand in public and don’t introduce her to all your friends. She will likely assume by the sixth week of dating that you actually want to DATE.
- Don’t tell a girl she is sexy right before you break up with her. If she didn’t have a self-worth complex before, she will inevitably have one after that comment.
- Breaking up with a girl while she’s naked in your bed is not only humiliating for her, but makes you look like a huge douche no matter how cute your dog is or how well you cook. Don’t do it.
- Don’t shower her with small talk while she embarrassingly gathers up her clothes.
- Better yet, let me reiterate… don’t break up with her while she’s naked.
- Do let her retain some dignity when you say you don’t want a relationship.
Girls:
- Don’t feel bad for the guy when he embarrassingly admits he thinks he has a cold sore and kiss him anyways to show your loyalty. There is a chance he will dump you the next day and you will likely spend the rest of the week freaking out about the likelihood of your ending up with oral herpes.
- Do say what you want to say IN PERSON when you have the chance. As my boss pointed out, angry texts may be somewhat satisfying, but they are passive and what’s really satisfying is letting a guy know his actions are spineless to his face.
- Do keep your options open. The only thing that made me feel a teensy bit better was knowing that when the cute guy in my class called and asked me out the previous night, i accepted because after all, I’m not in a relationship.
And the most important lesson I learned this morning: When you think shit can’t get any weirder, it usually does. As I sat in my car outside my latest fling’s house texting him a piece of my mind, my phone pinged letting me know I’d received an e-mail…. from my ex. Mindfuck.
