So I haven’t known what to write about for a while…
Then it dawned on me as I was trying to clear my desktop of all my open windows just now. I use my instant messaging account to talk to a very small amount of people. A friend in LA who is online a lot, my best friend in Illinois, and him. I tend to just minimize the conversations when I’m done rather than close them out.
This is pretty much because I am a hoarder, plain and simple. I hoard clothes, jewelry, random trash in my car. And when people say something funny or sweet or interesting I hoard that too. But today was cleaning day. So I exited out of that website with the hobo purse that I really cannot afford. I closed out the convo with my best friend. But when I got to my conversation with my ex, I took a second to scroll through.
It dates back to April. It started with him messaging me something funny. Then offering advice. Then asking advice. Then flirting. By early May, it’s more than slightly pornographic. He starts calling me “baby boo” again. Then it shifts. To the outside eye, there would be no visible point of conflict. The conversations just suddenly shift to a one sided monologue. My messages are more and more nonsensical. More and more desperate.
I ask him angrily how he can treat me like this time and time again. I rant about how I’m a beautiful, strong, talented woman and berate him for not seeing that. Then I tell him I miss him. As I re-read these messages, I wince, re-living each pitiful emotion. I look crazy. I start to drag the message to the trashcan, eager to erase the evidence of my insanity.
But then I think about all the “baby boos” and all the words of encouragement from him about how great I am and how successful he knows I’ll be. His insistence that I wear the safe travel charm necklace he bought me last summer on my upcoming trip abroad to India. Even his insistence that if I do decide to sleep with someone in India, to “wrap it up” because he really doesn’t want me to get the HIV which is one of India’s most rapidly spreading diseases, which is weird, but I guess sweet in a very inappropriate and bizarre way. And I can’t do it.
I let the icon fall back into my sidebar. I can’t seem to let go of the good stuff, even if it means hoarding the crazy shit too.
